Most people try to control their world to some degree. We do whatever we think will make us feel secure, safe, and happy. For some of us, the need to control our environment can become obsessive to the degree that we can only function within narrow parameters, and it becomes a disability.

Having been raised by a world-class control freak, I have many of these traits in myself, and I can spot a control freak quite readily, recognizing the kindred spirit. I know very well the allure of safety and order that the illusion of control brings, but it has taken many years for me to understand that this illusion, in fact, only serves to mask inner pain, constant worry, low self-esteem, and a deep-seated unhappiness.

Control is an illusion for all of us, because of course we have control over practically nothing. Let me repeat that: we are not in control. Our egos will attempt to argue the point, but it’s useless. The only thing we have control over is how we react to situations. That’s it.

We are not in control of the other drivers on the road. We are not in control of whether our boss likes us. We are not in control of who our children are; we can’t even control whether they take a nap or not. We can provide guidelines and discipline, but our kids will be who they are and make their own choices, ultimately. And we cannot “prevent” so-called bad experiences from happening to us because, in the divine order of things, we need these experiences to learn and grow. The decision for us to have them has been made by another: God. However, we do have control over how we react to these experiences and deal with them.

For example, we can decide to be so irked with that guy who cut us off on the turnpike that it ruins our day. Which only hurts… us. Or we can shrug it off and let it go. We can decide that a medical challenge means that our life is over. Or we can find the gift in the experience and choose to live each moment to its fullest, regardless of the outcome. We can choose to worry and be upset, or we can choose to be positive and make the most of what’s been given to us.

When I began to realize that I wasn’t in control, it was the most freeing thing I’ve ever done for myself. If something was happening in my life that was making me worry, I would repeat the following mantra to myself: “I am not in control of anything.” What an incredible relief it is not to have to worry about constantly controlling your world.

So, is that it? Just realizing you’re not in control? Not exactly.

The bigger issue behind controlling behavior is TRUST—the lack of it. A control freak fundamentally does not trust anyone. Think about it. I know several people who are so distrustful of even their spouse and children that they feel like they have to do everything themselves—because no one else in the family “does it right.” The result? A person who has overburdened themselves to the breaking point and can’t accept help—because they don’t trust that anyone else will perform the tasks to their satisfaction.

But let’s go deeper into this trust issue. If you are trying to control your world, you do not trust God. God has our best interests at heart, and always will. God will handle things for our highest good, all the time. The only thing we have to do is actually listen to that small, quiet voice in our hearts that will lead us to our true happiness. The voice of the mind, the ego, shouts down the voice in the heart whenever it can, and most people listen to the ego instead of the heart. They take the safe job that provides security and “pays well” instead of pursuing their dream. Maybe they marry a person of the opposite sex, even though their heart points in another direction. Whatever it is that our heart tells us, that is God saying, “Trust me. Your heart’s desire, your soul’s purpose, lies on this path. Trust me to fulfill your dreams. Trust me to take care of you.”

If you listen to this voice, and if you TRUST this voice, you will have everything your heart desires. The hard part of this is, you actually have to acknowledge what your heart’s desire is, which for many control freaks can be pretty scary.

A friend of ours was raised with the belief that life had to be lived a certain way, and that you had to do things a certain way in order to be a successful human being. I can relate; it was the same at my house. The difference between us is that she is still living in this box, attempting to make the world be this one way, even though her heart screams at her that this is not what she wants. But she has been so adept at ignoring the voice in her heart, that her body has taken a new approach to get her to listen: panic attacks.

Certainly, panic attacks are on the extreme end of control issues. You feel so overwhelmed and out of control (which you are, in truth), that you literally cannot cope. Your ego screams at you, “Oh my God, we’re out of control! We’re out of control!” At this point, you don’t even trust yourself to help you. You feel alone in the Universe, with no anchor.

If our friend could learn to trust that her heart, that God, would not lead her astray, she would pursue the career she has always wanted, but has been talked out of by her own family. She actually started down this path, then began to fear that she would fail. She did not trust herself. She did not trust the Universe to support her. She began to panic, and she listened to those who told her that she could not succeed in following her heart, so she turned away from it. She chose a “safe path,” one that she felt she could control. But her panic attacks did not go away. They are still the messenger of her pain.

So how do you gain the trust you are lacking? How can you let go of control?

You take it one day at a time. You begin to learn to trust by practicing trust. When those worries pop into your head, and they will, it’s a great opportunity to breathe in, blow them out, and give it to God. Just let it be. You may end up doing this pretty often. That’s okay! With practice, it will get easier. Repeat the mantra, “I’m not in control of anything. God (the Universe, whoever) can handle this for my highest good.” And when those unexpected things happen, look for the gift. Choose to react in a way that will free you, not burden you.

Believe me, even die-hard control freaks can do this. I should know! I’m on the road to recovery—and trust and freedom—myself.