So much has been written about the inner child that it sounds clichéd to even discuss it, but the fact is, your inner child must be heard and healed for you to be healed as an adult.

When you were little, you didn't have a lot of power in the world. You were dependent on others to care for you, provide for you, and to love you. The people who brought you up may have met all of these needs. Maybe they didn't. Or maybe they did, but you were still sad, frustrated, angry, or unheard. Those feelings never went away. They're inside of you somewhere.

Your inner child may feel some or none of the following feelings:

• Unheard
  Your thoughts, feelings, and opinions were not heard or respected.
• Guilty
  You could never please your parents or make them happy. Or perhaps your parents divorced. Somehow, all of this was your fault.
• Abandoned
  Did you lose a parent through death or divorce? Your inner child may feel at fault. It may also be grieving a lost relationship with that parent.
• Sad
  Deep down, you were afraid to be yourself because your parents might not approve of that person. You felt you had to do or be certain things to be loved.
• Unworthy
  You felt like you could do no right, that you could never win. That you were stupid or ugly, or not as good as other people.
• Angry
  Why weren't you heard? Why didn't you feel loved for who you are? Why didn't you feel safe? Why were you hurt, however unwittingly? Why were others loved better than you were?

If any of these feelings pushes your buttons, take note. Your inner child is telling you something, and you have work to do. If you don't heal these feelings, they will run your life.

Generational patterns

It's important to remember that our parents or caretakers are fallible human beings. We can, as adults, look at them as people and see their faults, and have compassion for that. That's on an intellectual level. But your inner child works on a very young emotional level. Emotions cannot be reasoned away. They must be acknowledged, felt, and finally, released. Whether your parents were saints or not, your inner child responded in some way to your parents' mistakes—which arise from their own need to heal—and hasn't forgotten those feelings.

As you progress with your inner child, you will be able to see your parents' behavior as signs of their inner child needing to heal from their parents. These unhealed patterns repeat themselves until a generation is able to heal. If you have children, you will pass your unhealed behavior on to them unless you work on your own healing.

Meeting your inner child

There are many ways in which you can get in touch with your inner child. The main thing is to start a conversation. To acknowledge that person, and let him or her speak at last. This will raise these issues to your conscious mind, where you can acknowledge and heal them, so it's very important work. Just be patient: realizing that you have an issue does not mean that you've healed the issue. The realization is just the beginning. This is a process that takes time. Go easy on yourself.

Meditation

One way you can start is through meditation:

• Relax in a safe, comfortable, and quiet environment.
• Breathe evenly, and spend a few minutes focusing on your breath. In, Out, In, Out...
• Ask your inner child to come sit in front of you. Be patient and assure them that they are loved.
• Just be with your inner child and tell them that you are all grown up now and safe, and that you and they are loved.
• You can also try Brighthill's Inner Child Meditation, from our forthcoming Inner Child workshop.

Do this a few times so that you inner child learns to feel safe and trust you again. Then start asking them what they want. Let them speak. Let them feel. You feel, too, and acknowledge your inner child's pain and give them what they need. Also continue to let them know that you are grown up and safe and loved.

Auto-writing

As an alternative, you can also use auto-writing to talk to your inner child.

• Take a pen and a piece of paper, or use a journal, and write a question with your dominant hand.
• With your non-dominant hand, write your inner child's answer. Don't worry about how the writing looks; the words are what matters.
• Continue to ask questions with your dominant hand, and write answers with your non-dominant hand.
• Before you finish, reassure your inner child, in writing, that you are grown up and safe and loved now.

Healing your inner child

All right, you've spoken with your inner child, and you have identified some unhealed feelings in yourself that you've carried with you over the years. What do you do with them? You want to let them go, but the wish for them to be gone isn't enough. You still feel them, like a dead weight.

Well, they are a dead weight, and there are many ways of learning to let go of it. It's just a matter of finding what works best for you. Try any of the following techniques, look for other techniques, or invent your own. It's also a good idea to seek help in whatever form appeals to you. You don't have to do this alone! Find someone you trust and feel safe with.

• Write a letter to the person your feelings are directed at.
  If you're angry at your mother, write her a letter. Tell her everything you can think of that has made you angry at her over the years. Don't hold back, because she'll never see it. Spill your guts. When you're done, imagine that she is sitting in front of you, and read it to her aloud. Then burn the letter, and tell the Universe that you are giving it those thoughts and feelings because you don't need them any more.
• Talk to the people involved.
  If they're willing and open to it, ask the person (do this with one person at a time if you need to talk with more than one) to meet you in a safe place. Find an object, such as a stick, that will be the Talking Stick. Whoever holds it, gets to talk, while the other person listens. Lay these rules out carefully so that everyone understands them. Take the talking stick and explain your feelings to that person. Don't be accusatory or lay blame. Just tell them how you feel. For example, "I feel betrayed," or "I feel unloved when you do X." Give them the Talking Stick and let them respond while you listen. They are probably unaware of how you felt, and in turn, they probably have feelings that surprise you, too. Go back and forth until you both come to an understanding.
• Talk to the people involved even if they aren't there or won't meet you.
  Sometimes it's hard to talk about our original pain with the people we love. If they've passed on, it's harder still—but not impossible. Whether they are alive or crossed, ask their spirit to sit opposite you, and explain your feelings to them as though they were physically present.

Changing patterns

One of the most difficult things to do when healing is to break or change the negative patterns that you learned from your parents. If you have children, you may find yourself repeating some of the same behaviors with them that your parents had with you. Do not despair. Change IS possible, but it takes time and patience. One thing is certain, though: you can't think your way out of it. The following steps may help you if you try them every day, however. They worked for me:

1. Recognize and acknowledge the pattern.
   This is essential. You have to know what needs to change before you can change it.
2. SLOW DOWN.
   Your patterns are most likely to emerge when you are busy or stressed, because these are the times when you will react without thinking. You may have a lot of things on your plate, but you can still slow down. The stress you are feeling is what you have placed on yourself. Let go of this energy, and do what needs to be done more slowly and deliberately. Slow down to allow the stress of "having to do something" to leave you. You are still getting things done, but you are allowing your brain to slow down to a pace that it can handle. No chore is so vital that it requires you to act with a sense of urgency and haste.
3. CONNECT with the Divine.
   Take 5 seconds to connect with the source of all there is. Let it come through your crown, through your body, and all the way through your feet and into the Earth. Breathe.
4. CONNECT with the people around you.
   Now that you've slowed down, re-established your connection with your Source, take a moment to connect with the people around you. Make eye contact, smile, be present for a full minute, hug your spouse.

So, the key is: SLOW DOWN - CONNECT With Divine - CONNECT with Others

If you do this a few times a day, it will help you to live your life as a walking meditation. It will help you to live in the person you are, not as the "wounded" person you may think you are. In truth, you are not wounded, or unhealed. You are Divine and perfect. When you are grounded in the Divine, which requires you to SLOW DOWN at least mentally, you are more likely to ACT instead of REACT. And this will help you break your patterns over time.

Additional resources

• What is Healing?
• Inner child meditation
• "A Child's Sense of Self," by Sobonfu E. Somé
• Coping.org's Inner Child page
• Inner Child quotations