We all know the saying that people should "have the courage of their convictions," but what does this really mean? According to the dictionary, it means, "to have enough courage and determination to carry out one's goals," which is laudable. It also means, "to have the confidence to do or say what you think is right even when other people disagree," which can also be laudable—depending on how we go about it.

You can't toss a wad of paper these days without hitting someone with a strong opinion who isn't afraid to share it with you. Indeed, our culture is full of people who are acting on the courage of their convictions, whether they are politically active, socially active, or just enjoy a good argument at the dinner table or on Facebook. And every soul who vocalizes the courage of their convictions does so because they believe their point of view to be a correct one, or even THE correct one. And as I've written elsewhere, they are neither right nor wrong. No one is.

Still, our ego needs to be right, and we fool ourselves into believing that we are. But in order to achieve this state of "rightness," we have to make someone else wrong. And this is where the courage of our convictions can become very cowardly indeed.

A courageous soul will fight an unjust system with non-violence, just as Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. did. They did not have to make the oppressors wrong—they simply allowed the oppressors to respond in a way that set world opinion against them. The oppressors' own actions were their ultimate downfall. Gandhi and MLK did not have to do anything except behave as though they had already won the rights they were seeking and be patient.

On the other hand, a mind with low self-esteem needs to have their convictions validated in some way, and it will act in a way that makes others wrong. How does it do this? When a person is insecure in their own beliefs, they need to change the opinions of those who think differently. The problem here is that the desire—to change someone—sends the message that the person who needs to change is not okay as they are. It says that the person is "wrong" and must be made "right" by changing their beliefs, ideas, or even values. Insecure people seek to surround themselves with conformity to their own ideals.

It's true that some beliefs can be harmful. If someone believes that robbing convenience stores for a living is okay, then they obviously pose a danger to society, and society has a right to protect itself—lovingly. When we incarcerate someone, our stated intention is to reform them in some way, but how do we go about doing this? Assuming the person is not mentally ill (which would then require treatment), we must create rapport with this person and help them to want to change—for themselves. It must be their choice, not ours.

Most of the opinions that get tossed around in the media these days come from people who do not seek rapport with others. The opposition is wrong, and here are the reasons why. This is spectacularly divisive and ineffective. People do not want to be told that they are wrong, and they do not want to have their values and beliefs challenged—by you or anyone else. What happens when you challenge someone and tell them they're wrong? They feel attacked, and they respond by wanting to make YOU wrong, and they will hold on to their beliefs and values more tightly than before. It's no wonder our society is so polarized. We've forgotten how to talk to one another.

If you want to create positive change, the first step obviously is to look at yourself. Make whatever changes are necessary in yourself. Second, stop viewing someone with a different set of values or beliefs as the enemy. Instead, see a potential friend. There is something to like in everyone, and if you're not finding it, that says more about you than about them. If you really want to help others, you have to care about them. When you truly care, you can create rapport, and when you have rapport, you stand a better chance of being heard. Of course, I'm not suggesting you do any of this to change someone's beliefs. If that is your intention, it probably won't work because you then care more about changing the person than you care about the person as they are right now. But a funny thing happens when you start to care about other people. You will have an impact on their values and beliefs, and they will have an impact on yours, too. Together, you can grow and learn. Together, we can grow and learn. Together, we can solve the problems that we all face.

Our convictions are expressed courageously when we express them respectfully and do not seek to impose our will upon others. Our convictions can lead us to great places, but they must not become a tyranny in themselves. As another old saying goes, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Your convictions may be good ones, but allow the possibility that there are better ones than yours. Open your heart to all possibilities.

Related articles:

• Who is right?
• We are One—But our opinions divide us
• We are One:  The world is a reflection of you
• What it means to speak your truth
• Judging other people's truth
• Stuck in judgment ruts