Talk of "coming out of the closet" typically refers only to gays or lesbians, but the truth is that we're all living in a closet of our own creation. We all have secrets that we keep—even from ourselves. To heal, however, we must identify our secrets, give voice to them, and ultimately come out of the closet and bring them into the light.

Secret-keeping begins at an early age. We all want to be accepted and loved, but few people experience real unconditional love in their lives. Too often, the love that is given to us has a price:  I love you—as long as you conform to my beliefs of how you and the world need to be. The fear of losing love prompts many people to hide fundamental parts of themselves. In fact, some people hide their secrets so well, that they are not even conscious that they have done this.

So what kind of secrets do we hide?

Sometimes we hide the family secret, the unspoken shame that we conspire to hide from the world. This is common in toxic households. The secret may be an addicted or alcoholic family member. It may be physical or sexual abuse. To the outside world, your family was "normal." But behind closed doors, there were secrets and excuses for someone's bad behavior. Adults who grew up in such households continue to keep the family secret, along with a secret or two of their own—shame, guilt, and self-loathing.

You don't need to grow up in a toxic family to have secrets, though. The threat of disapproval from an authority figure—loved or feared—is enough to send us into hiding. Perhaps your parents expect you to go into the family business, but you long to be an artist. Or you're expected to live and die in your home town, yet you want to travel the world. Or maybe you were raised in a particular religion that just doesn't work for you. Most families have one big thing in common:  they have expectations of their family members. Some are fairly innocuous, while others entrap us and force us to choose between following our hearts and doing what we're told.

Certainly, being a gay or lesbian illustrates this well. For some people, it's no big deal, and the family is accepting. For others, a sort of acceptance comes once the shock has worn off. And some people will live and die without being accepted by their family. In these families, the expectation is, "You will not be gay or lesbian." Failure to comply may result in enforced therapy to "cure" them, or expulsion from the household (and the family) altogether.

Pressure to conform to a particular set of rules or beliefs doesn't just come from our parents, however. If a marriage is troubled or unhappy, one or both partners is keeping secrets. Probably one of the more common secrets that we keep in marriages is that we may no longer be "in love" with our partner. Or we've undergone a spiritual transformation that excites us but would make our partner uncomfortable if we talked about it. Or we just no longer want the same things out of life. These are big secrets.

We're all afraid of being abandoned or alone, to some degree, so we keep secrets to avoid being exposed. We fear that if the people we love knew the truth about us, they would stop loving us and leave. This fear is not groundless:  it happens. Not everyone is going to accept us as our authentic selves. It's just a fact of life. But the right people will. If we never reveal our true selves, then we are not giving the people who will love us for ourselves the opportunity to come into our lives. More importantly, if we never reveal our true selves in our own home, we can never live an authentic life. Keeping secrets leads to a life of lies.

Who suffers when we keep our secrets? Everyone does, but it affects the secret-keeper the most. We did not come to this earth to live an inauthentic life. We came to be who we are, whatever that looks like. If your dream is to create art cars and head to Burning Man, then what's stopping you? People who really love you will support you. Just remember that in return, you need to support them in their dreams, too.

What are your secrets? If you think you don't have any, you are probably kidding yourself. Who would you be if there were no expectations—or limitations—on you? What would you do for a living? What would you do for fun? How would you live? What is the most freeing experience you can imagine for yourself?

Everyone is afraid to come out of the closet at first, but the reward is freedom and the removal of a great weight on your soul. Be who you really are. Let the real you be seen. No one who matters will laugh at you or ridicule you. People who do that are also keeping secrets and feel threatened by your freedom. Let go of your fear and step into your power.

As we travel the road of our life, our path will converge with others' paths, and we may walk awhile, and love one another. Still further on, our paths may diverge again. People do change. This is not a failure; it's just what happens with people. We're supposed to change and grow. We may change our opinions about things. We may change our beliefs. We may find meaning in new things. And we may find new friends, new family, or new partners in the process. Embrace the journey. It's all good.

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