I really love to watch Tony Robbins work the stage. He's an amazing presence. During one of his seminars, a woman was trying to explain, in excruciating detail, what was wrong in her life. He let her go on for a bit, then he told her, firmly, "Tell another story." She began again with her sad story and her list of reasons why she could not move forward. Tony repeated, "Tell another story." But like a broken record, she kept going. At this point, Tony began to bark like a dog. It was the only way to get her to stop. The more he told her to tell another story, the more determined she became to tell the one that she was used to. When she finally stopped, he repeated, "Tell another story."

His point is an excellent one. Don't like what's going on with your life? Stop telling the stories of your pain and suffering, and all of the reasons why you can't accomplish your goals. This old story is holding you back. Tell the story of how you want your life to be, of what you want to accomplish. As you think, so you create. Change your thoughts, and change your world.

And yet, another healer whom I admire, the indomitable Iyanla Vanzant, says, "Tell your story because your story will heal you, and it will heal someone else." So, wait a minute. Tony says to stop telling your story so you can heal, and Iyanla says to tell your story so you can heal. What gives?

I often say that where you find paradox, you find truth. The answer, of course, is that they are both right. But how do you navigate the gray ocean between the two?

I believe that the difference is a matter of investment. How invested are you in your story? Does your life story define who you are? Who would you be without your pain? Do you know?

In the Tony Robbins story, the woman was completely invested in her pain. By telling her story, she was seeking validation for her pain, and for her excuses for remaining in pain. Why would she want to remain in pain? Because she knows no other way, and she is comfortable with her pain. It is very common for people who have been abused or lived in toxic households as children to attract the same kinds of relationships and situations as adults. They do this not because they enjoy it, but because they don't know what healthy, happy choices look like. Happiness is literally outside of their comfort zone.

On the other hand, people who have divested from their story and are ready to heal from it can both heal and be healed by telling their story. For those who are not invested, their story is a way to connect with others. People are best helped by those who have had similar experiences, and overcome them. The person who has healed a difficult past provides hope to others. They are a lighthouse, proof that healing is possible, even for those who have suffered greatly.

So, where are you in this process? Does your story keep you stuck?

The best way to determine where you are with your story is to ask yourself what your primary motivation is. Are you telling your story to gain sympathy? If so, it's probably holding you back. Sit down with pen and paper and literally write a new one. Imagine your perfect life. Describe what you want in detail. Then read your new story every day. When you find yourself telling your old story, stop. Remember your new story and tell that one instead.

Are you telling your story to connect with and help others? If so, your story is healing. We can all recognize a kindred spirit, and, no matter where they are in their healing process, your story lets them know that they are not alone. And any healing you have done, no matter how imperfect you think it is, will help that person and give them hope. When you do this, you will know how far you have come and how much you have healed, and you will know your gratitude.

Your story is important. Whatever you have experienced, you experienced for a reason. My own upbringing was difficult, and today I understand why my soul chose this path. It was a healing opportunity, certainly, but because of my past pain, I can understand the pain of others. I can connect. I can share my experience and shine a light on my own healing path. Everyone's path is different, but by sharing the fact that my healing exists at all, it helps others. And when I encounter someone who only wants sympathy and doesn't want to hear about the possibilities of healing, I become even more grateful for my own healing, and I heal some more.

When Tony says to tell another story, he isn't asking you to forget your past. Instead, he's asking you not to live there any more. Remember your past, but live now, and look ahead. The angels gave me the perfect metaphor:  your life is a boat you are sailing. Your past is the boat's wake. Don't focus on the wake, because if you do, you cannot see where you are going and cannot steer your boat. Face forward, and leave the wake behind you.

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