The state of Connecticut has wisely issued a report detailing the costs of civil unions for homosexual couples. Apparently, the state stands to lose an estimated $1 million a year if they pay benefits to the partners of public employees who are homosexuals. They also stand to lose another $1 million a year from the succession tax, which charges the surviving partner's inheritance if the couple is unmarried. This finding adds some perspective to the quest for marriage rights. In fact, it puts marriage in a whole new light.

The financial costs of marriage to our government, thoughtfully provided by Connecticut bureaucrats and previously unknown to the common citizen, makes it clear what we, as Americans, must do. We must ban all marriage.

In these days of massive budget deficits, our government needs even more of our money to fight terrorists and create an empire. The GLBT community has selfishly been leading the call for marriage rights when in fact the patriotic thing to do is to ban it altogether. If married same-sex couples can initiate such a large financial drain on a tiny state, think of the money that our government is losing daily because of married heterosexual couples. Since roughly 10 percent of the population is homosexual, Connecticut must be losing approximately $20 million a year, thanks to heterosexuals.

But the savings don't end with the government. Imagine how much the private sector would save if they no longer had to pay spousal benefits. In 2004, the Kaiser Family Foundation estimates that employers paid roughly $10,000 per employee to provide family medical coverage. Take away the marriage, and voilá! The employers gain 70 to 80 percent in savings. Our corporations will save billions of dollars, which they can share with their executives, who will buy lots of things, and this will trickle down to the rest of us just like Ronald Reagan said it would.

Without medical benefits, of course, some cohabiting families will get hit with high medical bills that could be burdensome, possibly taking them to the breaking point. I know what you're thinking: won't all those bankruptcies further deplete our governmental and corporate cash flow? It will not. Our wise leaders in Congress have toughened up the bankruptcy laws to prevent just that. These families will have to sell everything they own and host bake sales to pay their bills. But all is well: remember, those people should have set up medical savings accounts, anyway, so it serves them right.

As patriots, however, is banning marriage enough? What else can we do? Again, our government, guided by the Divine Hand itself, has shown us the way: everyone must abstain from all sexual activity.

Our government has prescribed abstinence as the way to avoid diseases and unwanted pregnancies. If we all followed through on this, think of the cost savings! We would be physically healthier, we wouldn't require prenatal care and the oh so costly maternity leave, which deprives your employer of your productivity for three whole months! We wouldn't have to cohabit, so we could all live alone in small apartments, saving more land for the wealthy. Without families, we wouldn't miss the fact that we didn't have benefit coverage for them. And in the GLBT community, our partners would, for the first time ever, really be just "friends."

Banning sex would, happily, put a stop to the porn industry, because thinking about sex is as bad as actually having it. This would boost productivity at work (no browsing) and free up disposable income for everyone, allowing that money to be funneled back to the wealthy and powerful instead of the wealthy-because-I-have-a-website. Movies and television would be affected as well. Without soft-core sex, HBO would probably go out of business. Still, there would be plenty of useful and entertaining things to watch, such as the Discovery Channel and televised golf.

Without sex and a family, we will all have more free time than we know what to do with. Add a reduced TV schedule, and we will be tempted to work more hours than ever before. This strengthens the government's assertion that paid overtime and the 40-hour workweek are antiquated. Who needs a weekend? You won't have a spouse to shag, or kids to play with. Heck, if you've done your duty and rented an efficiency apartment, you won't even have a lawn to mow. And really, how many nature documentaries can a person watch? Voluntary overtime is the answer.

And hey, all you twenty-somethings: consider spending your voluntary overtime in the service of our fine military. The Middle East is a big place. It'll take a lot of soldiers to kill everyone in it.

This proposal is, of course, just a modest addendum to a movement that was begun by others. Yet, it could transform our lives and our country completely within a decade, because we, as a society, recognize the importance of money. It is this, our primary value, that makes us great and shapes our destiny.

We are also a generous nation. We give and keep on giving to those who really need it: the wealthy and powerful. Like loving fathers, they use that money for our own good, and look after our best interests. We trust them to know best.

So, be a patriot! Abstain from sex and give up your family and free time! If you don't, the terrorists will win.

From June 2005