Brighthill Healing Center: How to repress gays and lesbians (and how to overcome it)

How to repress gays and lesbians (and how to overcome it) by Asha Hawkesworth
We all live with the unspoken rules of our society. Some of us eventually learn to see beyond its limits and realize that just because we're used to doing things or thinking in a particular way doesn't mean that it's the only way. The gay and lesbian community is able to do this frequently, and indeed, that may be one of the primary lessons that we can teach to others in our society: that there's more than one way to love. But the rules and beliefs of society can be subtle, and they stick in the unconscious mind and invade the heart. It's these subtle rules and beliefs that put us in boxes and teach us to repress ourselves. They affect our emotions and our self-esteem. As a result, we live in "victim mode," which robs us of our power. Strong, powerful people do not allow themselves to be victims. They don't even think that way. They see the boxes and beliefs that bind others, and, in seeing it, they move past it. So what are the boxes that tend to trap gays and lesbians? Let's start with the standard beliefs about homosexuality. We all know them intimately, but we think about them in logical terms. So let's look at the subtext. Homosexuality is unnatural. Considering that at least 1 out of 10 people is a homosexual, it's natural enough. The dreaded Alfred Kinsey had the audacity to upset this theory by observing that many people may actually be bi-sexual. The backlash continues to this day. Homosexual contact is also commonplace in the animal kingdom. Scientists have written papers about it. Yet the belief that it is unnatural persists, and it is voiced repeatedly. Homosexuality is chosen behavior. Right, this is old-school, although quite a few people still think so. But as it becomes more apparent that it is not chosen behavior, we have... Homosexuality may be inborn, but it's a deviance from the natural order. John Derbyshire recently wrote an article in the National Review in which he listed the probable "causes" of homosexuality. All of them assume that "something went wrong" in the biological process. His favorite theory was that homosexuality was caused by a germ or virus. The subtext here is that it's deviant; therefore, there must be a "cause." In effect, homosexuality is an illness. We're back to Homosexuality is unnatural. Chosen or not, homosexuality is immoral. So, even though it may be inborn and out of your control, it's still wrong, so don't do it. The Roman Catholic Church takes this stance. It's "wrong," so be celibate forever. But "wrong" is a social concept. Homosexuality wasn't "wrong" in ancient Greece or Rome. It probably wasn't "wrong" in most ancient civilizations. It's not "wrong" in nature; it just happens. These rules all seem pretty obvious, and many of us convince ourselves that we are not repressed by them, because we know better. Our head may know better, but what about our heart? From an early age, we begin to internalize these rules, and they affect every aspect of our lives unless we heal from them. So given the logical rules, here are the underlying emotional rules that we are taught to live by: You're unnatural. The pressure to conform hits us hard and early. Homosexuality is unnatural, and so are you if you're gay. Something is "wrong" with you. Faced with this enormous pressure, a lot of people stay closeted or hide their homosexuality from themselves and try to live as a heterosexual. Burying your own sexual preference can be a completely unconscious act, and people sometimes live their entire lives without realizing this about themselves. (It's also possible that the louder homophobes have in fact deeply repressed this in themselves.) You decided to be homosexual, so you're bad. Not only are you unnatural, but you are willfully bad by refusing to be heterosexual. Oh, what a deep mire this is. If you've internalized this, you are punishing yourself on a daily basis for "being bad" by being gay. And since you're bad, you don't deserve good things. You don't deserve good relationships, material wealth, or a happy life. Sadly, this path can spiral into depression and addiction. You need to be "cured." This is the same as You decided to be homosexual, so you're bad, with the added spice of believing somewhere in yourself that you really could "get over it" and be cured if you were a decent person at all. I won't love you if you're a homosexual. This is a terrible threat, causing us to conform to someone else's unreasonable expectations or demands. It frequently comes from close family members and other people we love. We want these people to validate us, to let us know that we're all right, that we're loved even with all of our imperfections (and homosexuality isn't one, by the way). That doesn't always happen, of course, leaving us with a gaping psychic wound. If this attitude is coming from a parent or authority figure, once again we feel that we are "bad" because we aren't behaving they way they want us to. It's critical that we work through these feelings until we feel good about ourselves. After all, what other people are really saying is, I don't love myself. God won't love you if you're a homosexual. This is just another version of I won't love you if you're a homosexual. That's what people are really saying. But the spiritually-minded gay or lesbian may still believe this and internalize it as "God." So now we think the entire Universe hates us. If we don't heal from this way of thinking, our self-esteem goes in the toilet. I don't love myself because I'm a homosexual. This is the end result of all these societal cues. You screwed up, you were a biological error, even God doesn't like what he/she created. And if you hate yourself, how likely are you to be a victim? How likely are you to be closeted, to be afraid, to not speak your truth? Social repression doesn't happen just because a bunch of insecure people start hating another group of people. (Okay, it doesn't help.) Social repression occurs internally, within every person. It is our own beliefs that repress us. We can't blame ourselves for growing up with these beliefs, or for being surrounded by these beliefs, but we can blame ourselves if we don't work to heal from them. When we heal ourselves, we move forward. And society moves with us. Ultimately, we as a community create breakthroughs when we as individuals create breakthroughs. If you're proud to be who you are, if you love yourself for you who you are, that shows, and it has an effect. You're probably living out of the closet and giving other people the chance to know you as a proud homosexual. That creates change. It demystifies homosexuality. It makes us less scary. Of course, we can't expect to go boldly forth in the world until we've worked out our own issues. If you secretly hate yourself for being gay, you're probably not the best ambassador for the community. So your own healing must come first. Take responsibility, and get help for yourself if necessary. Become the happy, abundant person that you deserve to be, then let your light shine for the rest of the world. That is a form of activism all its own.

How to repress gays and lesbians (and how to overcome it)
by Asha Hawkesworth

We all live with the unspoken rules of our society. Some of us eventually learn to see beyond its limits and realize that just because we're used to doing things or thinking in a particular way doesn't mean that it's the only way. The gay and lesbian community is able to do this frequently, and indeed, that may be one of the primary lessons that we can teach to others in our society: that there's more than one way to love.

But the rules and beliefs of society can be subtle, and they stick in the unconscious mind and invade the heart. It's these subtle rules and beliefs that put us in boxes and teach us to repress ourselves. They affect our emotions and our self-esteem. As a result, we live in "victim mode," which robs us of our power. Strong, powerful people do not allow themselves to be victims. They don't even think that way. They see the boxes and beliefs that bind others, and, in seeing it, they move past it.

So what are the boxes that tend to trap gays and lesbians? Let's start with the standard beliefs about homosexuality. We all know them intimately, but we think about them in logical terms. So let's look at the subtext.

Homosexuality is unnatural.
Considering that at least 1 out of 10 people is a homosexual, it's natural enough. The dreaded Alfred Kinsey had the audacity to upset this theory by observing that many people may actually be bi-sexual. The backlash continues to this day. Homosexual contact is also commonplace in the animal kingdom. Scientists have written papers about it. Yet the belief that it is unnatural persists, and it is voiced repeatedly.

Homosexuality is chosen behavior.
Right, this is old-school, although quite a few people still think so. But as it becomes more apparent that it is not chosen behavior, we have...

Homosexuality may be inborn, but it's a deviance from the natural order.
John Derbyshire recently wrote an article in the National Review in which he listed the probable "causes" of homosexuality. All of them assume that "something went wrong" in the biological process. His favorite theory was that homosexuality was caused by a germ or virus. The subtext here is that it's deviant; therefore, there must be a "cause." In effect, homosexuality is an illness. We're back to Homosexuality is unnatural.

Chosen or not, homosexuality is immoral.
So, even though it may be inborn and out of your control, it's still wrong, so don't do it. The Roman Catholic Church takes this stance. It's "wrong," so be celibate forever. But "wrong" is a social concept. Homosexuality wasn't "wrong" in ancient Greece or Rome. It probably wasn't "wrong" in most ancient civilizations. It's not "wrong" in nature; it just happens.

These rules all seem pretty obvious, and many of us convince ourselves that we are not repressed by them, because we know better. Our head may know better, but what about our heart? From an early age, we begin to internalize these rules, and they affect every aspect of our lives unless we heal from them. So given the logical rules, here are the underlying emotional rules that we are taught to live by:

You're unnatural.
The pressure to conform hits us hard and early. Homosexuality is unnatural, and so are you if you're gay. Something is "wrong" with you. Faced with this enormous pressure, a lot of people stay closeted or hide their homosexuality from themselves and try to live as a heterosexual. Burying your own sexual preference can be a completely unconscious act, and people sometimes live their entire lives without realizing this about themselves. (It's also possible that the louder homophobes have in fact deeply repressed this in themselves.)

You decided to be homosexual, so you're bad.
Not only are you unnatural, but you are willfully bad by refusing to be heterosexual. Oh, what a deep mire this is. If you've internalized this, you are punishing yourself on a daily basis for "being bad" by being gay. And since you're bad, you don't deserve good things. You don't deserve good relationships, material wealth, or a happy life. Sadly, this path can spiral into depression and addiction.

You need to be "cured."
This is the same as You decided to be homosexual, so you're bad, with the added spice of believing somewhere in yourself that you really could "get over it" and be cured if you were a decent person at all.

I won't love you if you're a homosexual.
This is a terrible threat, causing us to conform to someone else's unreasonable expectations or demands. It frequently comes from close family members and other people we love. We want these people to validate us, to let us know that we're all right, that we're loved even with all of our imperfections (and homosexuality isn't one, by the way). That doesn't always happen, of course, leaving us with a gaping psychic wound. If this attitude is coming from a parent or authority figure, once again we feel that we are "bad" because we aren't behaving they way they want us to. It's critical that we work through these feelings until we feel good about ourselves. After all, what other people are really saying is, I don't love myself.

God won't love you if you're a homosexual.
This is just another version of I won't love you if you're a homosexual. That's what people are really saying. But the spiritually-minded gay or lesbian may still believe this and internalize it as "God." So now we think the entire Universe hates us. If we don't heal from this way of thinking, our self-esteem goes in the toilet.

I don't love myself because I'm a homosexual.
This is the end result of all these societal cues. You screwed up, you were a biological error, even God doesn't like what he/she created. And if you hate yourself, how likely are you to be a victim? How likely are you to be closeted, to be afraid, to not speak your truth?

Social repression doesn't happen just because a bunch of insecure people start hating another group of people. (Okay, it doesn't help.) Social repression occurs internally, within every person. It is our own beliefs that repress us. We can't blame ourselves for growing up with these beliefs, or for being surrounded by these beliefs, but we can blame ourselves if we don't work to heal from them. When we heal ourselves, we move forward. And society moves with us.

Ultimately, we as a community create breakthroughs when we as individuals create breakthroughs. If you're proud to be who you are, if you love yourself for you who you are, that shows, and it has an effect. You're probably living out of the closet and giving other people the chance to know you as a proud homosexual. That creates change. It demystifies homosexuality. It makes us less scary.

Of course, we can't expect to go boldly forth in the world until we've worked out our own issues. If you secretly hate yourself for being gay, you're probably not the best ambassador for the community. So your own healing must come first. Take responsibility, and get help for yourself if necessary. Become the happy, abundant person that you deserve to be, then let your light shine for the rest of the world. That is a form of activism all its own.