As the so-called "culture wars" rage on, it seems to me that the gay and lesbian community appears to be losing battles because we have given away our power, lock, stock, and barrel. We can achieve our goals only by taking it back.

Okay, what do I mean by this? Isn't the GLBT community making bigger strides than ever, being more visible than ever, more active than ever? Sure it is. But we're struggling within a framework that has already taken the power of the heterosexual community, so the only power they have left is to deny us ours. When you're insecure and afraid, you kick the next lower thing on the totem pole, after all.

So let's look at this marriage thing. It's the perfect example. What exactly is preventing gays or lesbians from being married? Is it laws? Is it constitutional amendments? If you believe that, you have given away your power. "But," you say, "I can't single-handedly change the laws. That's out of my control." It's only out of your control because you believe it is. So it rules your life.

My wife and I were married last summer. We did not have a marriage license, but we did have a wedding in front of our friends and family—our community. Even in front of God (which is optional, depending on your beliefs; God fits into ours, so we invited her). We didn't have a "commitment ceremony" or use some other label that makes heterosexuals more comfortable. We had a wedding. We had rings. We both changed our names. We are married.

The state and federal government may not recognize our marriage. This is irrelevant. The ceremony and our commitment define our marriage. No law, no referendum, no court decision can ever change that fact. It's in our power, not theirs.

Now, I'm not saying that we should give up the battles for legal recognition. We all know why that's a good thing. But I am saying, stop letting them define it for us. I don't want to see any more articles that wonder whether GLBT couples will be able to celebrate their wedding anniversaries or not. Because the answer is: of course they will, because they are married. A court decision won't change that fact.

And if you're married, then refer to your spouse appropriately. I call my spouse my wife. If you're gay, call your spouse your husband. I know many gays and lesbians don't really like the hetero lingo, but you know what? Show me another word that gets the point across as clearly. When I refer to my spouse as my wife, everybody knows instantly what our situation is. And the more that people encounter this and know GLBT people who are married, the faster things will change for the good.

My wife and I now share the same last name. We chose one we liked. A good lesbian friend of ours told us, "That's great. Now people will think you're sisters." That's not why we did it. If someone assumes that we are sisters, I will correct them gently. We're only invisible if we allow ourselves to be. The pressure to conform in this society is enormous, but if you hide yourself, you've given away your power yet again.

Be yourself. Be married. Be brave. Let people see that the laws are irrelevant, because they are. Marriage is not a gift conferred by the state. It's a bond between two people who love each other. That is your power. Take it back, and be free. When we start doing this as a community, things will change for the better very quickly. And one day, our kids will look back and wonder what all the fuss was about.