Everyone decries how polarized we have become, how uncivil our discourse is, and how little the American government can manage to accomplish in the face of serious challenges that affect not only Americans, but the world at large. And yet, in spite of the complaints, this dysfunctional split not only continues, it appears to worsen. What's going on here? If so many people don't like it, why does it continue?

It continues because our actions do not match our words, and we continue to feed division. But we do it cleverly, with rational arguments. Our internal logic tells us that we are right, so we should be able to convince the "opposition" to see reason. And, infuriatingly, we find we cannot convince them, and our frustration mounts and turns into anger. Our failure to convince them cannot be our own, so we denounce those who disagree as ignorant idiots or worse. This allows our ego the satisfaction of feeling superior and, most importantly, it shields us from having to revisit our own beliefs. As a result, we have stalemate.

So what can we do? How can we bridge this gap? How can we come together and work toward our own common good without hating each other?

The answer lies in changing our discourse from one that is logic-centered to one that is heart-centered. Now, this does not mean that logic goes out the window. But logic in and of itself is useless without the heart's guidance. Logic can be made to lead to many unsavory places—wars can be logically rationalized, and even Darwin's theories of natural selection were perverted by proponents of "social Darwinism." Logic without the guidance of the compassionate heart can be very destructive.

What does heart-centered discourse look like? For a start, it means understanding the feelings that lie underneath our words. Everyone has a personal political filter, and politicians have learned how to talk to that filter. If they want to rally their base, they use all the right words. Likewise, there are words that cause a guaranteed reaction in liberals and conservatives alike. So in order to heal this, we must first get over the words. They don't matter. But the feelings behind them do. When we can understand and connect with the feelings that someone else is having, it helps us to have compassion for them and to see where they're coming from. Only then can we truly listen and hear them. No one wants to deal with a person who will not listen to them.

Every person is different, so the feelings behind their political convictions will differ somewhat from person to person. But in general, here are some of the feelings that lie behind our political discourse today.

Change is scary!

By definition, conservatives are wary of change, while liberals don't usually see this as a bad thing. From the liberal point of view, society can be made more just and egalitarian over time, so when conservatives appear to get in the way of this, liberals view them as irrational. But the feeling behind it is not. Some people adapt to change better than others, and some people are more trepidatious about change. That's not a bad thing. Society needs both kinds of people. The cautious balance out the risk-takers, and vice versa. And while some change is undoubtedly good, it isn't always.

So whether we're talking about a new government program or a change in our social contract (such as allowing gay marriage), what conservatives feel is wariness. What if that doesn't work out? What if I lose what I have, which I like a lot because it's comfortable? The liberal voices say excitedly, "But this will make things better!" And it may. But you can't discount the fears that some people have about that. Things have changed a lot from 2000 to 2010. Some things are better. Some are not. People have already lived through tremendous changes. They've lost jobs and houses. Of course they're scared. Have compassion for that. Likewise, the status quo hasn't served everyone equally. We can have compassion for that, too.

I feel invalidated

This feeling applies to both conservatives AND liberals. Conservatives feel invalidated when others don't feel the same about their beliefs and way of life. Of course marriage is about one man and one woman. Can't you see that? And of course everyone needs to work hard to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. That's obvious, right?

Likewise, the liberal feels invalidated if they feel that others are saying they have no right to exist. "Hey, I'm black/hispanic/gay, and I'm here, and I deserve the same rights," they say. "You can't tell me that I don't have a right to exist." And they feel, "I just want the same opportunities that you have."

In this case, both groups feel fear because they don't want to be left out of the negotiations. They want a seat at the table. The conservative feels that they've followed the plan. They've done what they're supposed to do. Why isn't that working out? And the liberal feels that they want in on that plan. They want access to the table. Why isn't that working out? Both groups actually have the same concern, but they don't see it, because they're using different language. Some conservatives may worry that if others come to the table, they'll be squeezed out. That's a big worry. Some liberals may worry that they won't be granted access to the table at all. That is also a big worry. The solution, then, is to allow everyone a place at the table.

You are different and therefore scary

In modern political discourse, accusations of racism and the like fly so fast that they have become background noise. Let us recognize, for once and for all, that we all have prejudices. Our prejudices may concern the color of skin, religious affiliation, sexual orientation, political alignment, or anything else, but it is hardly limited to a single party or ideology. If you have decided that someone is unworthy of being heard because they're a socialist or a conservative, you are prejudiced and cannot hear. If you have decided that someone is unworthy of being heard because of their race or sexual orientation, then you are prejudiced and cannot hear. If you have decided that someone is unworthy of being heard simply because they disagree with you, then you are prejudiced and cannot hear. If you have applied dehumanizing labels to anyone because what they say feels threatening to you, then you are prejudiced and cannot hear. Conservatives are not the enemy. Liberals are not the enemy. Evangelical Christians, Muslims, Jews, atheists, or anyone else is not the enemy. There is no enemy. There is only our fellow men and women, and we all want basically the same thing:  to live our lives in peace, and to have opportunities to better ourselves.

I feel unheard and unvalued

We have these labels that we use for one another. They are convenient if you want to box in your neighbor. They are convenient if you want to dehumanize someone, make them "less than" you are. Some of these labels are political:  capitalist, Marxist, socialist, communist, Democrat, Republican, conservative, libertarian. Some of these labels are religious:  Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu, atheist, other. "Good" people; "bad" people. But really, we are one human race. Sure, there are some people we don't want to invite to dinner. Some are mentally or physically ill. Some have very different beliefs. But that does not negate their humanity. We are all here, together. In respectful, heart-centered discourse, everyone has a right to be heard. Everyone has a right to have their feelings acknowledged.

I'm afraid of losing something

Conservatives are afraid of giving too much away. The well may run dry. They could end up with nothing. Isn't that a terrifying thought? We all feel this at some time or another.

Liberals are afraid that they will not be allowed to drink from the well. They want to make the well available to everyone. They don't worry whether it will run dry or not. If you were blocked from the well, wouldn't that be a terrifying thought?

The fear of lack or loss is a huge motivator for people. This is the Big Fear that causes them to lash out at those who, in their estimation, would rob them of what is rightfully theirs. So what is the cure? The cure is to know, to really know that there is enough for everyone. There is enough. We do not have to compete. There is enough. Yes, some people can work harder for it. Some people can only do the best that they can do. And still, there is enough.

I deserve more than you do

Subjectively, we are all certain that we do the best that we can. We work hard. We try. We reach for whatever stars are within our grasp. And just as surely, there is someone out there who judges our efforts to be insufficient. We haven't done our best. We haven't worked hard. Maybe we're lazy.

Unless you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes, you don't really know what their best looks like. For some people, their best is 10% of your best. So what? They are as God made them. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. Some people excel at finance. Others do not. This does not make them inferior, or less deserving of their place at the well.

This feeling is a judgment born of the fear of losing something. If you deserve better than someone else, then no one has a right to take anything away from you. You feel vindicated in protecting yourself at all costs from those who would, in your estimation, rob you. But in truth, no one is more deserving than another. To be heart-centered, we must acknowledge when our ego is trying to elevate us over another. We must have compassion for the best that others can do, even if we think it falls short.

Creating a heart-centered society

It is possible for us to create a heart-centered society. It is possible to live as compassionate beings. This does not mean that we will all agree with one another about the best way to move forward. This does not mean that we will always create perfect solutions to our problems. But it does mean that we are capable of coming together, understanding people's concerns, and creating compromises that serve everyone to the best of our ability. It means that we can have respect for others, and for our differences. It means that we can understand the feelings behind the words.

The head is an arbitrary ruler, but the heart knows. The heart remembers who we are. The heart is how we can connect—with others, with all life on this planet, and with Spirit. Words will not get us to the promised land, but our hearts will.

Related articles:

• Making exceptions to Love
• Stuck in judgment ruts
• Who is right?
• We are One—But our opinions divide us
• Are you ready for what peace looks like?