People naturally tend to fear losing something. If we "lose" something or someone, we see it as lack, or absence. And if we're lacking something, we think we can't be fulfilled. So we associate the having of something with fulfillment. Of course, the problem with this is that we can never be fulfilled by external things.

Yet, we try. Most of the purchases we make are emotional ones, made when we're feeling low. The brief thrill of that new DVD fades within hours, and the anticipation of acquiring the big new Whatever-It-Is outshines the actual having of the thing. Intellectually, we know that "stuff" doesn't fulfill, but we chase after it anyway. Interestingly, however, Denmark is consistently rated the "happiest" nation in the world because the Danes have lowered expectations—that is, they do not hinge their happiness on some future event, like so many of us do. "I'll be happy when..." is a common thought, forever putting off our happiness to some future, and therefore unattainable, point in time. The Danes, in theory, have figured out how to be happy now, in the present moment.

If yearning for "more" doesn't really work, then perhaps seeking "less" is the answer:

A high-quality life has more to do with what you REMOVE from your life than what you add to it.
—Cheryl Richardson

Removing what? Removing stuff? Certainly, too much stuff can be a liability. Do you own your possessions, or do they own you? How much of a nightmare is it to move your household? When you travel, how much baggage do you drag with you? Certainly, culling our stuff occasionally is a good plan. Have a garage sale, or give it to charity. Some people literally have trouble doing this, however. Compulsive hoarders can't let go of anything—ever. At its worst, a person who suffers from this disorder can't even let go of their trash, and it just builds up around them, along with the rest of their stuff, controlling their lives. For them, healing definitely requires removing physical things from their lives.

But stuff isn't the only thing that clutters our lives. We travel daily with our emotional baggage, always present, always coloring our perception of the world, always helping us to hear slight where none was intended. We carry the banner of our past victimhood, made gloriously vivid and real with each retelling, providing the perfect excuse never to move forward. We nurse our anger and resentments toward others, succeeding only in making ourselves more unhappy in the process. Or we find our feelings too painful altogether, and we cut them off with the mistaken belief that feeling nothing is better than feeling and working through our pain. All of these things can be healed, of course, and the first step is to acknowledge and honor these feelings. Working through any pain or emotion is just like the grieving process:  you must face it and feel it to get through to the other side.

Sometimes the things we have to remove from our lives are harder to define. You may need to release a job so that you can find your true happiness, for example, whatever that may look like. Or you may need to walk away from a situation:  an argument, an obligation, an organization, or even a lawsuit. Whatever brings you peace of mind is what you should pursue. It takes two to make a knot, and sometimes peace of mind means dropping your end of the rope.

Of course, probably the hardest thing that we must occasionally remove from our lives is other people. Breaking off a close relationship is difficult because we are emotionally enmeshed with the other person, and cutting that cord hurts. Still, it is sometimes necessary. Certainly, if you are in an abusive relationship of any kind, it is imperative that you separate yourself from that person, not only for your physical well-being, but for your emotional and mental health as well. But abusive relationships are not the only ones that sometimes need to end.

Marriages end for all sorts of reasons, some "good" and some "bad." If you're no longer in love, or if you no longer have the same goals and desires, then it may be time to end the relationship and move on. There are as many different reasons for ending a relationship as there are people, so you really have to search your heart to know what's right for you in the long run.

Friendships can also change over time. People change. People heal. The old dynamic that keeps friends together can shift, and a parting of the ways is necessary, and healthy. New friends come in who are more in tune with who we are today. While we may mourn the exit of those we love from our lives, the new relationships act as a balm, and we get through the change in cast members fairly gracefully. But if the person who needs to leave us is in our own family, this situation becomes exponentially more difficult.

We tend to think of our birth families (if we know who they are) as sacrosanct. And when the family relationships are good, that's easy. But when the relationships are bad or abusive, it's not so easy. We often believe we must suffer anything that is thrown at us by our family, just because they are our blood relations. Many a toxic family dynamic has been perpetuated because of this belief. Some people feel so much anxiety about being with their family of origin that they literally feel sick in anticipation of a holiday or visit. When things are that bad, we must ask the question:  would I be better off removing them from my life? It's not an easy question to answer.

Some family relationships can heal with counseling, hard work, and most importantly—buy in. If the people who are involved in the conflict won't buy in to the healing process, there isn't much you can do about the relationship, although there is plenty you can do for yourself. You can tend to your own healing whether anyone else buys in or not. And when you do, you will view everything from a renewed perspective. You will begin to see your family relationships more clearly, and you will change. This change will affect your family dynamic, and the ones who are not bought into your healing will fight hard against that change. What happens next depends on the circumstances and the people involved, but it is not unusual for people to walk away from their family of origin as part of their healing process.

When we shed the feelings, people, or things that do not serve us, we discover a treasure:  freedom. Freedom can't be acquired with money, trade, or relationships. It can be enhanced, perhaps, but freedom does not flow from external things. Instead, it comes from within. It comes from the still, peaceful waters of happiness and contentment. These things can't come from the newest iPod, the need to feel "right" about a ten-year-old grievance, or from repeated blows to our self-esteem by toxic relationships. Clean out the attic, real and spiritual. Sort through the boxes and determine what serves you and what doesn't. And then don't be afraid to release it.

Additional resources:

• What is healing?
• Healing your inner child